The Moon, The Stars, & Her Eyes
I'm never 100% sure about most things, but I always knew I wanted to be a mother. Although my plan was to have kids at 24, I couldn’t imagine what life would be like without my babygirl. Such a tiny person has impacted my life in the most positive ways. Now, don’t get me wrong, motherhood hasn’t been a walk in the park. But I’m so thankful to take this stroll with her on my hip.
I, like many mothers, briefly suffered from Postpartum Depression. Along with that, I also have Postpartum Anxiety. A large chunk of my maternity leave was spent in bed, snuggling my newborn. That sounds lovely right? It was, but it was also very unhealthy. I hardly ate or hydrated, and seriously neglected my personal care rituals. I just stayed in bed, cuddling and breastfeeding Nora.
Since I was so used to always having her near me, when ever someone wanted to hold her, it triggered my anxiety. Granted she was never with anyone I didn’t trust, my mind would instantly go to panic mode anytime she was out of my sight. At times it would get out of hand and I would pop in repeatedly to check on her, or even follow whoever had her around. Not wanting to be rude, I let family and friends enjoy her, but I would always be so antsy until she was returned to me. Talking to a behavioral health specialist freed me partially from postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, but it’s still a work in progress.
With the tension from PPD & PPA, along with basic life stress, I’m often overwhelmed. However, taking one look at my daughter melts the world away. I see the universe in her eyes. Her innocence reminds me not to worry about what I can’t do. Her smile tells me everything will be okay, even when I feel as if nothing is going right. She passes love to me with every touch. Taking care of her needs has made me increase my self care rituals so that I can be as healthy as possible to care for her. She is the light of my life, shining so fiercely upon me that I feel invincibly loved. She’s already revealed so many things I never knew about myself, and I can’t wait to mentor her through her life.
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